Heart of Life
by From the End of Heaven
Summary: JONAS- He couldn't help but love her. She was a goddess- frightening and terribly beautiful. He was unable to resist. Joe/Stella Kevin/Stella.
1. Kevin

**This piece is very close to my heart and after I 'finished' it- it didn't feel finished, now -in three parts- it is. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own JONAS**

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"I'm standing here but you don't see me; I'd give it all for that to change" - Before the Storm

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What kind of person was he to let this start? How did he let it get this far? He knew their feelings- so how could he do this to them and himself?

It was probably the forbidden nature of it all. The allure of the fruit, he told himself- but he knew it was so much more.

He couldn't help but love her. She was a goddess- frightening and terribly beautiful. He was unable to resist.

A man should never fall in love with his brother's crush- particularly when said crush returns those feelings. It's just asking for trouble- for heartbreak. It didn't matter whose heartbreak it was- either way it would hurt him, cripple him.

He knew better than anyone how Joe felt for Stella- Kevin couldn't persuade himself to think Joe didn't care for her and she for him. Things would be a lot easier if he wasn't Joe's brother. Easier still would be if he had stopped this train in its tracks.

There was no way he could've stopped it. More than ever before he couldn't stop it now- this train was headed for disaster. Kevin could only pray that he would be the only one that suffered. He could only hope that no one could see his pain.

He had a theory on love- why they said fall in love. It was like walking down a street and you gazed upward unable to look down to see where your feet land- you could step into a manhole and find yourself falling. Through no fault of your own you have fallen- and there is nothing you can do to reverse it. Even if you end up broken.

He tried to distract himself from it- plotting, obsessing over anything to keep his mind away from her. Anything would do- from hacky sack tournaments to Nick's blue cookies.

He tried pushing Joe and Stella together- hoping that when he saw them finally together and happy that the feelings would go away.

Clearly that was not the case- Joe and Stella were smitten with each other and his heart hurt more than he ever imagined possible.

He thought people were exaggerating when they claimed a broken heart. Now he truly knew a heart could break- his had shattered. It was a feeling he wouldn't wish on anyone- especially not his brother. The only comfort he found was that by taking the agony upon himself, he was saving Joe.

He found himself finally relating to dead poets and songwriters- he hated that fact more than anything, because he was not the one to write lyrics about his feelings. He had never felt the need to, now he ached to be able to articulate the words of his heart.

He did the only thing he knew better than anything- He played his guitar. The calluses on his fingertips grew thicker as he plucked and strummed his feelings. Nick and Macy praised him more and more- they could hear the emotion in his performance, but were unable to properly identify it.

Joe and Stella were ignorant of anything besides the other.

At concerts as Kevin poured every emotion he ever experienced into his guitar, and the fans cheered, even cried from the feelings emanating from his music.

Stella could only see Joe and it maimed him.

Nick and Macy were on alert- and tried to comfort him, even though they never could know the root of his anguish. They saw him slowly turn inward- they saw his smile fade. Stella and Joe failed to see it, he couldn't blame them- they were in love, but that didn't stop his heart from hurting even more.

Kevin found himself escaping into his guitar- with more blues than rock and roll.

The blues understood him- and now he knew the pain that all blues players must have felt in their life time.

He could only hope that it would heal him, maybe not soon- but eventually.

He had to believe it.


	2. Macy

Macy hated to see him in such a state.

It had been so long since she saw him smile she had forgotten the contagious joy it caused- longer still since she heard him laugh.

She wished that she could pinpoint to when it first started- but with Stella and Joe's drama, Kevin faded nto the background. He refused to tell what had caused him such pain; despite the amount of times asked or hinted at.

Nick and Macy had many conversations concerning the eldest Lucas, and grew close- if only it was for a better reason. The two tried to cheer him as much as possible, Macy anonymously sent dozens of stuffed woodland animals with various instruments attached, Nick wrote ridiculously silly songs about anything from mangos to ducks in pajama's- and that was not easy for him. Frankie even got involved by ordering a flock of geese for Kevin.

Nothing would work, Kevin tried to smile for them- but they knew it was fake.

Macy was frustrated by the blindness displayed by Joe and Stella. She wanted to punch Joe, shake Stella and make them see the depression that Kevin was in- but they only saw each other. Macy often felt conflicted- she loved them both, yet at the same time she disliked them intensely. Macy mentioned to Stella that Kevin seemed down and Stella made an excuse- like she knew what was happening. Macy talked to Joe about the amount of blues Kevin injected into his guitar playing, and he waved it off. Macy soon gave up with the two of them. It appeared to hurt Kevin more that Joe and Stella didn't care- She saw the pained looks.

Nick opened the door to the firehouse and Macy stepped in- Kevin sat on the couch guitar on hand. He was lost in the moment while he played. Macy heard the sound of his devastation and felt her heart finally crack. He had reached a new level, and she could hear it. Macy glanced over to Nick and saw the deep worry of a brother. Macy hated Joe a little bit more- he lived in the same house, but was ignorant of his brother's pain. Now not just one- but two of his brothers.

Nick's eyes asked her to try, she could see that he was out of ideas and too troubled to properly think of anything new. Macy nodded to him and sat adjacent to Kevin while he plucked at the strings. Nick ran his hands through his hair and left Macy alone with Kevin.

Kevin had always played with passion; it was happy and freeing, uplifting. Now he made fans cry, he made Macy cry- she had even seen Nick lose control, the combination of Kevin's somber state and Joe's indifference to it was causing him excess stress. She saw how Nick stared at Kevin during concerts, with a look of upmost concern and complete helplessness.

Macy's thoughts turned to everything that happened over the past few months; the laborious efforts of Nick and herself, the never ending despair, the love that she had for Kevin. These thoughts mixed with the sentiments crying out from Kevin's guitar pushed her over the edge. Tears formed, she willed them to evaporate, but no such luck. Her hands reached to catch them- sobs shaking her.

She hated whoever or whatever had caused this whole mess.

The music stopped and she looked up to meet Kevin's searching eyes.

"Mace- what's wrong?" His voice tender.

More tears fell- he was asking her what was wrong? Wasn't that her question? Didn't he know that what hurt him hurt her as well? Hurt his family?

"Macy- tell me."

Macy's tears failed to cease- she was unable to speak. Kevin slid the guitar off his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Macy wondered how this happened- how was it that he was comforting her when the comforting was her job.

Kevin kept his arms around her until her crying calmed- she pulled away but remained close.

"Kevin" Her voice cracked. "Kevin what happened?"

Her eyes sought his, the emotions swirled close under his hazel ones.

"What?"

"Don't 'what?' me!" Macy responded a little too angrily, she tried to soften her voice "You've been gloomy for months. We all can hear it when you play."

"Not everyone." Kevin muttered- she heard the combination of bitterness and acute sadness.

"Well Nick and I definitely know- we've done everything thing we can think of." Macy promised slightly irritated.

"I know" Kevin whispered

"And nothing has worked! We can't think of anything else to do- and now you have sunk even lower into that pit of misery! Don't deny it- I just heard it. And Nick is just inching closer and closer to a complete meltdown. Did you think that your depression wouldn't hurt anyone? Because it's hurting him, it's hurting me!"

To his credit he looked taken back by this and a little ashamed. She knew he was the last person on earth to want to hurt someone. If anyone knew Macy did.

"And Kevin I can't take this anymore. I want you back. I want the Kevin Lucas that I know and love back. I need him back- not only for me but Nick and everyone who cares about you.

"I'm sorry" he offered

"Kevin- what happened?" She asked again, her voice growing soft. A look of pain crossed his face, he couldn't or wouldn't speak. Though she had just laid everything out for him to see- he failed to open up to her. Macy shook her head. "If you don't want to tell me- fine," Her tone bitter. "Just tell me what to do to help. Tell me this won't last forever." She pleaded

"I don't know." He answered honestly.

"Lie to me"

He didn't hesitate "It'll pass" His lying had gotten better.

She tipped her head in thanks and spoke again after a moment "There's nothing I can do?"

"Being here is more than enough." His words contradicted the last few months, but his tone was sincere. Macy nodded and let her head fall back onto his shoulder.

"I'm here." She whispered.


	3. Nick

**Disclaimer: I do not own the John Mayer songs. **

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Nick could hear Kevin mend through music.

Kevin started to play one song over and over again at the beginning of this whole mess. Nick immediately recognized it as _I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You_ by John Mayer- they had always liked Mayer's songs and toyed with playing some, but never to this extent. The whole thing was strange- Kevin wasn't himself, he was gloomier; mixed with the repetitive song playing and the amount of blues he injected into rehearsals and performances. It was all connected somehow, and Nick couldn't figure it out.

One day the song turned into _Gravity_ by John Mayer.

By this time Kevin was playing blues constantly. He played the blues as he felt it- no tune he plucked ever sounded like the other. All held that classic sound that was distinctly Kevin, but they dripped with melancholy.

The only distinct songs he played were John Mayer songs- when asked, he deflected.

Nick turned to Joe one afternoon and asked him what he thought of it.

"He just likes the songs." Joe shrugged dismissively, his mind clearly on a certain blonde stylist. Nick still tried to grasp Joe's full attention.

"This is different- he's only playing those two- well he started with _Don't Trust Myself_ now he's only playing _Gravity_, and he plays them over and over again, in between his blues." Joe was already shaking his head- disregarding Nick's worry.

"You are thinking about this way too much. Kevin's fine- look I gotta go meet Stella. Later!" Joe jogged out of the room before Nick could respond "No Joe- you're not thinking about it enough."

Nick growled. Not something he did very often, but things were bizarre around here anyway.

Nick walked in on Kevin playing a new song, it was familiar- Nick listened and recognized it as _Dreaming with a Broken Heart_ by none other than John Mayer. This had to do with a girl? Nick didn't even know Kevin was interested in anyone. Not that it mattered now-since apparently it didn't work out, for whatever reason.

Kevin was still unwilling to talk about it, to anyone. His parents told Nick to let Kevin work through it in his own time, and the only thing he could do was just be there for him.

A plan that only made him feel useless and weak, something Nick Lucas was not happy with.

Joe and Stella were no help at all. Still in the honeymoon stage of their relationship, they only showed interest in each other and cared little about anything else.

Nick was happy for them at the beginning. Now it just felt like Joe was abandoning family and forcing him to pick up the slack. Still Nick could never be completely angry at either of them- he knew how long it had taken them to get this far, but that didn't stop him from be aggravated with the pair.

Nick found himself talking to Macy about the situation, relieved to share the burden with someone- even just a little. Macy offered various clever suggestions, all of which should've worked- but none of them had any success. They spent afternoons brainstorming, and just being with Kevin. A true friendship was growing, if only it was under better circumstances.

He struggled to keep his composure when he heard Kevin's newest level of misery. Kevin's ability to connect the guitar to his heart had increased tenfold, Nick felt the pain, the loniness that Kevin communicated through music. Nick felt the weight realization on his chest.

.

_Nothing_ was working.

.

Nothing he did was helping.

.

**Everything was _falling apart_.**

.

He escaped upstairs, and left Macy with Kevin- his head rested in his hands as he tried to forget the world and remember times when all his siblings were happy and the universe in order.

Nick wondered if this was connected to the band. Wondering if maybe they were just brothers- and not JONAS, if Kevin would be so miserable. Nick's shoulders drooped with guilt- he was the one always pushing, he suggested the band in the first place.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned. Macy stood behind him; her face held the lightest hints of past tears. She nodded to the fire poles- music drifting up from down below. He turned to the music and heard _In Repair_, in an instant he was gripping Macy in relief, tears threatening to fall.

By the time Kevin was plucking _I'm Gonna Find Another You_ his true smiles came easier.

When he started playing _Wheel_ his laughter was heard with more frequency, his playing almost returned to that joyful sound he had before. Nick didn't think Kevin could ever truly return to his old style of playing, depression left a deep mark on him. Kevin could never be completely carefree again- but he had his moments.

Nick appreciated Kevin all the more after it all. The cliché 'you don't miss it till it's gone' was too true. Nick may have been the brains of the JONAS machine and Joe the frontman- but they would be nothing without Kevin, he was the heart. When the heart was off-beat, everyone was.

He knew Kevin was done rebuilding himself when the song turned into _Heart of Life. _

"You know Kevin seems really happy now." Joe observed one game night as Kevin was in the kitchen retrieving more popcorn "I don't know if you noticed- but for a while there he seemed a little depressed."

Frankie heard Joe's statement and stared at him in disbelief.

Nick just smiled and caught Macy's eye, she grinned back and shook her head as Stella agreed with Joe.

_Pain throws your heart to the ground_

_Love turns the whole thing around_

_No it all won't go the way it should_

_But I know that the heart of life is good._


End file.
